Lois
It seems today
That all you see
Is violence and movies
And sex on TV

Peter
But where are those good old fashioned values ?
On which we used to rely ?

Brian
It used to be
A big time star
Was Elegant as Garbo
Or Hedy Lamarr

Stewie
But now we got whores like Jenny Lopez
You want to curl up and die

Chorus :
"Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us"

Stewie
Laugh and cry

Chorus :
"He's a family guy !"

Lois
When I was young
The songs were fair
With Mister Johnny Mathis
And Sonny and Cher

Peter
But now we got Justin Timber-homo

Lois
A heartache all gone awry

Brian
The classic films
Were works of arts
The images were graceful
The stories were smart

Stewie
But now we get Matrix Revolution
I'm sorry I know this doesn't rhyme
But what the hell were you Wachowski Brothers thinking ?!

Chorus :
"Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a fella
Sweeter than vanilla
Wholesome as a piece of"

Stewie
Apple pie

Chorus
He's a family guy !

Lois
His smiles a simple delight

Chris
He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites

Lois
Peter !

Meg
He bought my cute little hat

Brian
Yeah we should talk about that (About that ! And his hat !)

♪ Musical Break ♪

Brian
He's mastered the comedy arts

Stewie
He says, "Look out Hiroshima !" then casually farts

Lois
He's loaded with sexy appeal

Peter
And best of all my titties are real. Have a feel

Brian
No thank you

Stewie
I gave it the office

Lois
The Brady Bunch
Has got their Mike
And pretty Laura Petrie
Has Dicky Van Dyke
But who around here could fill these loafers ?

Chorus :
"But here's a happy reply
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us"

Stewie
Laugh and cry

Chorus :
He's...a...fam...ily...guy !!!